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Winter Blues

We often get the blues that comes with the cold wintry weather where sunshine is far and in between.  Doctors often state it’s the lack of sunshine or Vitamin D that cause our moods to fluctuate.  My down in the dump mood is many a reason.  Not seeing the everyday neighbors around walking or just taking their pets for a walk…or being secluded in our homes because of the frigid temperatures….it’s almost a task too difficult to attempt even to get dressed and being amongst people. 
My one hurdle is dealing with an abundance of negative replies..I didnt get the new job I really wanted…my hair stylist position and clients are dwindling due to this declining economy….my daughter is getting married in 8 months and what parent can even help out with the cost….it’s ongoing and the list continues to grow at rapid speed.  I still try to stay positive and keep my head up.  I’m hearing from friends and family maybe you should take an anti depressant..maybe it’s a chemical imbalance?  No how about it’s because every damn thing is so hard to accomplish or attain…maybe I am just sick and tired of being sick and tired of the lack of positive anything…my husband getting laid off from his job of 11 years and the company closed it’s doors …it’s just so depressing.
I dont want to sound like a “Debbie Downer” but you got to vent and let it all out to release it from within…just put it out there.
Not to throw our negative out there but it’s a feeling of like when we want to release something and we write it down on a piece of paper and then we burn it…cleansing the soul.
So blogging here and sharing with whomever wants to read this; maybe there is someone out there that also feels the same way.
The Beach theme one of the bloggers posted was an excellent idea…he put it out there and for a few moments we thought of blue skies, warmth and sunshine.
I value every story I read no matter how personal and get something from it…or a blog on useful information I get something there also. 
So to all my fellow bloggers thank you for bringing us into your world ..i am a newbie here and hopefully I will get better at this but it’s done me and my inner self such peace …so again kutos to all bloggers.

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Mother daughter relationships gone bad

Being one of six children and always trying to be the child that’s noticed is often a hardship that is impossible to accomplish.  Since an early age I always felt unwanted and definitely unloved.
I was born the fifth child and by that time there was not a single moment available. 
My parents both born in Portugal and not accustomed to the ways of the american way; so strict discipline and the leather strap was an everyday ritual.  I being the child born with the wild spirit and definitely a mind of my own always got the punishment of beatings; those beatings were to me a way to get attention…not exactly what I craved but nonetheless it was attention.  All my own!
Often overlooked for the loving words and tender hugs I often witnessed my younger sister getting always…so a deep resentment overcame my being. 
I quickly understood this was my life as I saw it; so I made a plan. 
I ran away as fast as I could and as far as I could get…money being limited I hitched a ride with a friend and her family to my new life…MY new beginning.
I planned my escape to perfection.  I had already packed my duffel bag the night before and no one knew the wiser.  When I woke the next morning with everyone thinking it was an ordinary day and getting ready for school I made my escape.  I drove to Florida with my friend and her family…only thing  I forgot to mention was that they all thought I had permission to go with them…i did not!
Do I regret running away from my home and leaving my family?  Not one single regret; I wished I was able to stay lost forever..
Unfortunately I was found in Florida and forced back home to a place I referred to as my own hell.
Once I was back home I was so withdrawn and I lashed out at who ever tried to get close to me….i didnt want that.  I was planning my next escape and this time I wouldn’t be found!
My mother was suffering from manic depression and I hated her for her ever growing ailments…and the list was growing at a rapid speed.  How many times had I come home from school to find her passed out from the pills her quack doctor prescribed…you know for her anxiety.  The should of put her locked away because 30 years later and lo and behold she continues to suffer this, those pills were a joke…thirty years and still there not working.  She has become a jealous bitter old woman, who strives to make her kids suffer…
Can you believe out of the siblings I have I speak to one sister…thanks Mommy Dearest….for a close knit family.
I married three times and my current and last husband and I thank God  because he is my rock, my best friend and taught me to love again..to love myself.
So to torture yourself and allowing yourself to feel worthless and alone is a useless waste of time…i feel with all my heart that he was sent to me from my Guardian Angel…
My mother and I still have a turbulent relationship  but I’m ok more than ok I guess…i survived!
So to my husband and beautiful daughters I am whole and have never felt more loved as I do today….

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